J Mac is back baby! If you have burdened yourself by clicking on my link, I regret to inform that my horrendous version of outward therapy may not necessarily be of use to your everyday matters, however, I know most of our sadistic little brains are wired to enjoy watching others struggle, so hopefully, if not by choice, you’ll enjoy my writing today.
Quick – Relevant – Update.
I’m a free gay. I’ve liberated myself from my own shame and dysfunction, and have decided that the steps to my greatest life lived, starts with being honest. Unfortunately, with this HUGE change, several aspects of my life have also changed. I’ve been quite good at being patient with the rest of this responsibility, however I seem to get lost when I try to navigate myself through RELATIONSHIPS.
Now, I just wonder if this is just a normal thing for all people or if being gay is the menacing factor?
Do you ever struggle to organize your feelings?
Aboard my ship, and make sure to bring a bucket, because we’re sinking, FAST.
Usually I promote self love, like a lot, but my stupid ass can never get past straight boys giving me attention.
Sound familiar? Maybe when you were fifteen.
I’m not very proud that I can find parallels between myself and a young teenage girl, but unfortunately it’s my reality. Ever since I was young I was always confusing romance and friendship, I remember after one of my baseball games, my sister wanted her new friend to come over and the only way their parents would be okay with it, is if I were to also invite her brother.
My sister – unknowingly manipulative – told me, “Just invite him, he likes you and wants to hangout with you.”
To any heterosexual male this would appear as the beginning of a friendship. For me, I was getting hitched! He was interested in me, he wanted to be with me, ME! Who would have thought? I was about nine or ten.
Still think it’s a phase Dad?
Up until now, I haven’t seen any progress in this department – if anything a major depression. A boy used to give me a spark of ambition and optimism; hope for a future! Now, my mindset has generously evolved into overthinking and obsession.
What does that look like?
Overthought, “He looked at me, does he like me? He smiled at me, he definitely likes me. Oh, now he keeps coming near me, I read about this, this means he’s trying to be near me ,and wants to be around me. Our astrology signs are 84% compatible, we’re meant to be. ”
Reasonable Friend, “Do you guys talk?”
Obsession, “Psh, ya right! I just know that he’s into me, look at him look at me!”
Yes, this is true, people tend to look at people that are starting at them, it’s also true that people will also smile at someone smiling at them. Are you catching onto this pattern?
Apparently this has been something that has taken me twenty years to understand. That when our brains want something and can’t control the steps to getting it, we obsess. We obsess when we aren’t sure if someone likes us, we obsess when people lie to us, and we keep obsessing until we find some kind of controlled solution that will settle our mind.
So we ask friends and family for validation or advice on the situation, people to confirm this uncontrollable idea, and it never works. Why? Because no one can say anything that will solidify this liquid notion. This idea of love and affection and not being alone and having value and importance and being loved, these ideas are plagues, because they are associated with others, that only others can bring love and affection and etc. Truth is, the answer is YOU.
Yes bitch, you.
If you want to find love – and someone of your dreams – you need to figure your shit, and I only sort of mean your passion and that other redundant cliche bullshit that is always preached online, because this stuff is just attached to the only real thing you need in your life, and that is
Yes, when I first read this I was like, whelp, I’m fucked. Confidence!? What the actual shit.
First of all, you are sexy, and hot, and beautiful and talented and 100% unique. No one has the same combinations of heartache and baggage as you! No one! I’m kidding, but honestly, there really is no one as stunning and talented and glistening with the same kind of potential as you. You truly are special and don’t forget that!
Do you know the probability of you being alive?
Whatever, YOU are SPECIAL!
Love yourself, hoe! LOVE YOURSELF!
Do you know that shame that is accompanied by that shitty habit of sleeping all day and poor hygiene? That’s called dog shit.
It’s a result of you walking out into the world to find love, and stepping on a pile of doo doo. Except this poop is a love interest that you’ve kind of just stumbled across. You are interested and you think he likes you, and then you keep thinking to much, and then you start that obsession habit and all this doodoo has done is just get stuck on your foot – it hasn’t done anything for you or to you to deserve all of this attention. It’s too late now, you get a big inhale and you think, holy, this fucking stinks. That’s you, you’ve obsessed so long that you stopped loving yourself, stopped taking care of yourself, and stopped cleaning yourself. BITCH, SHOWER.
People that love and respect there shoes would have done anything in there power to get that shit off of it, but you let it sit there, and soak in. Now it will take you twice as long to clean them.
You are the shoes. Take care of them. And the next time you step in dog shit. Clean them off quickly, and keep walking with your head up and tits out.